One of the hardest things about being me is I am perpetually second guessing everything.
‘They said they liked my dress.’
‘Are they just saying that cos I look unattractive in this dress, so then they look better in comparison?’
‘Or do they genuinely like the dress??’
‘Yes, maybe they don’t want to compliment me because they dislike me and they think I am unattractive, but complimenting my clothes, well, that’s safe territory.’
I hope I’m not the only one who does this. I don’t really want to be alone in my mental self-injury, but then again I don’t want anyone else to suffer this.
I get very anxious. Frequently.
It starts with a small concern and then, out of unhealthy habit, I water the seed of doubt until it grows into a suffocating fear which consumes my mind, debilitating and incapacitating me.
It’s not so pleasant. I’m sure you can relate to a time in your life when you’ve been overcome by fear, which has caused your behaviour to change and then after it has passed, you reflect on it and realise you didn’t need to be worried.
So, what starts as a well-meaning compliment on their part on what I’m wearing can spiral in my mind into dark thoughts that they dislike me, so therefore everyone hates me and there’s no point in my lonely existence. As ridiculous as this may sound to you, these are thoughts which frequently pass through my mind. And they frighten me sometimes. At times I feel out of control and isolated by the way my mind works.
But there’s hope for us yet.
We’re not supposed to have it all sorted, understand everything and have it all under control. That’s God’s job. He loves us and doesn’t want us to be anxious.
I have this bible verse as my laptop background so that every time I use it I can be reminded. Lots of people are drawn to Christianity not because it solves all our problems (because it doesn’t!), but because of the peace that we can find in the promises of God.
Sometimes when I find myself being drawn into a dark or anxious place, I will open my Bible to remind myself that yes it is okay to be worried, but at the end of the day God is holding me in His hand and it’ll all work out okay in the end, because He loves me.
I’ll leave this as a final thought…
God bless you ^_^ xxx