Where are the real people?

“I’m fine”
How many times have you said that, indulging in this stupid game of pretend where everyone puts up a front and is afraid to show any signs of weakness.
It’s a stupid game. And it costs lives.

Let’s try and create a space where people can be open about their struggles so we can help each other. We were not created to struggle through this life alone, God places us in communities for this purpose. Let’s try and make it feel like home, like family.
And I’m as guilty as the next person for putting up a front, I thought I’d just share some moments where I have done this in my life recently.

me 2

This first photo is me ‘celebrating’ with friends after we’d got our A-Level results. I should have been pretty chuffed with my results, anyone else would’ve been I’m sure, but I’m plagued with perfectionism. So, although I was all smiley on the outside, internally I was pretty angry at myself. I am ashamed to admit that I felt compelled to leave my friends a few times and hurt myself in the bathroom. It made me feel even worse when they started coming up and asking if I was okay (they didn’t know anything).

image

Here I was at my friend’s 18th birthday meal which was all lovely, but I couldn’t eat much and what I did eat I snuck away to throw up in the bathroom. :/ So, whilst to my friends this occasion was just a good, fun time, to me it brings up broken memories and painful feelings.

me 3This one was me at my first ever Ceilidh, towards the end of my fresher’s year. xD but if I’m honest I was panicking about this for weeks before and when I did get there I was a pretty anxious wreck although I was trying to not let my facial expressions betray the struggle in my mind. Of course I wanted to be there, but I was afraid. Thankfully I had a couple of good friends come alongside me which helped calm me. :)

imageLast Christmas I went out for a meal with some friends. Meals out are always a difficult occasion for me. One of the things I hate the most is people watching me eat. 1. I hate eating 2. Hello I hate it, I’m trying to get it over and done with as quickly as possible 3. When my mood’s low I don’t want to be the centre of attention. (And heck is it low when I eat!)

And when I do go out for meals I tend to drink a little too much which does take the edge off my feelings for a while, and besides that I get pretty hyper when I’m with friends. When I’m hypomanic I do stupid things and I want everyone to be watching me, giving me their full attention. So, I’m basically flipping from eurgh food no one look at me to guysssssssss partayyyyyy y’alll looooook at meeeeee xD xD xD … Which is kinda exhausting :’)

So yeah, there you go. :P

In these photos I’m all smiles and laughter, and no one could have known what was really going on below the surface unless I opened up (which I didn’t).
Let’s try and be real people. :) We all struggle and we all need help sometimes.
God bless you xoxox

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