This vulnerability thing

To love is to be vulnerableWell, right now, I should really be preparing everything to go back to university in two days. But I’m not. I re-watched the video on my first post earlier, about being vulnerable with other people.

This year I am sharing a house with four other girls and I am terrified. In my mind I keep going over the different ways this will be impossible for me to cope with. I am freaking out. And I am a hypocrite. Now there’s a word I really can’t shake; I haven’t been able to get it out of my head all summer. I don’t know what I am, but I say one thing and do another; am I really a Christian? I tell you guys to be vulnerable and that opening up and being raw and honest is the only way to experience true joy and yet, I am petrified of opening myself up to other people. Of being me.

Said like that it sounds really sad, that I cannot just exist as myself, I find myself giving into this pressure to appear perfect, putting more distance between myself and you, but also helping to create this stigma around us being honest and broken. I am so anxious about going back to uni, but the closest I can get to opening up is saying, “yeah, I’m fine thanks, just got a lot on my mind atm”. But it’s not good enough. I know I’m languishing here, there is literally no one I feel comfortable opening up to and chatting with. But maybe that’s the point. Bearing your soul to another human being shouldn’t be comfortable at all, maybe it’s supposed to feel painful. I mean, talking about things which hurt is bound to bring up these painful emotions in you which you might just want to shut out and sweep under the carpet, but perhaps we just need to face them head on if we’re ever going to heal.

‘No pain, no gain’. It’s what they say, and certainly we could apply that here. We can carry on as we are, numbing ourselves in different ways, putting up a front and ignoring the hurt and pain poisoning us from our hearts outwards.

Or we can just try, just a little everyday to be honest. First we need to be honest with ourselves, then we can try and stop lying to those around us. Maybe a good first step could be keeping a diary, writing honestly how things are going, what emotions you feel and how you respond to them. I have recently started something new, where my journal entries are written as letters to God, although I haven’t written much recently to be honest. :/

God bless you xoxox

P.S. The words of a wise old man to end with ;)Face the pain


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