You know, I’ve never written a blog post in such a state as I’m in at the moment, but I really don’t know what else to do.
I feel like I could cry for days, yet I don’t know how.
I have so many horrible thoughts in my head and my heart is overwhelmed by these feelings and I don’t feel like I have anyone I can open up to. I don’t even talk to the people the people that I used to. This evening, I’m sorry reader, but I decided to turn to cider and my blades, instead of turning to God. :/
To be perfectly honest, I feel so angry and full of hate right now. I don’t want to have anything to do with Him.
He feels about as irrelevant as you can get from where I am right now.
It’s not helping though, I mean usually people use alcohol to numb their emotions, yet this is the most emotion I’ve felt all week.
When I’m around other people, I can forget for some time that I’m actually broken. Paha I can pretend with the rest of the fakers.
This evening, or last evening now, I went to a quiz ran by my Christian Union, where I realised how little I know. I really didn’t want to be there. In fact there were probably about 10 times I considered making a run for it, but I couldn’t abandon my housemate.
In previous posts I have been complaining really, about not having felt any emotions over the past week, and yet, now I am realising what a privilege it has been because I doubt I’d have been able to settle in and get to events if I’d been overwhelmed by my emotions as well.
To be honest, I’m not really sure what triggered this, although I haven’t been able to stop thinking about hurting myself this evening, especially during the quiz, which is especially sad because it was a social time and should have been fun.
I am so fed up. I can’t keep doing this, being two different persons when people are and aren’t looking. I need community in which I can be vulnerable and open with. Not this. Not this façade.
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. ( 2 Corinthians 4:7)
The beauty of it is we don’t have to be fixed before He can use us in His grand plan. He likes to use us before we feel ‘ready’ because His power is ‘made perfect in our weakness’. Honestly, I’m not 100% sure how I’m meant to interpret this, but I think that it means if we were strong, or we thought we were then we’d be relying on our own strength, instead of His. Therefore we wouldn’t be drawing on His generous supply of power.
There is beauty in our weakness and in submitting ourselves to His power.
He is the potter, and through our lives He is shaping us so that we become more like Him and yet, realise more and more how much we really need Him.
God bless xoxox