…I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. (Philippians 3:13-14)
One of the hardest things will always be moving on. Even when the time is right, and you know it is, it’s hard to have to turn your back on something which you had accepted as your reality.
I’ve realised recently that I’d thought I’d moved on more than I had from my ex-boyfriend. I’d actually been suppressing the memories I made with him, but recently these have been resurfacing in my mind. I see him around campus too, which probably doesn’t help. Every time I see his face, I feel this crushing sensation in my heart. The other day there was an event for international students we were both helping at. There was a meal cooked for everyone and when we were all sat down at the tables, eating, chatting and laughing amongst ourselves, I looked up and caught him staring and he looked away. Maybe he hadn’t been staring intentionally, but just glancing my way or you know that thing you do when you let your eyes go out of focus and you don’t realise you’re staring at someone?? xD Maybe he was doing that… I don’t know, but either way, I know that there are feelings on both sides still. And maybe he thinks I have entirely emotionally moved on from him and I no longer have any feelings for him which isn’t true, as I’m now seeing another guy. Eurgh life is so messy and love just complicates things.
It is just so hard to see him around though, I feel constantly as if I have a stone in my chest and I often in the past month have found myself in reflection on what we had and what we lost and what could have been between us. Yet, who can I tell? Ah yes, an update. I was until recently seeing someone and chatting to them every other week, which was quite useful and helpful. Until the last time I saw him, when he told me he didn’t think that the appointments were helping much and trying to get me to talk and open up was like getting water out of a stone, so he thought the appointments should stop for now. I stupidly agreed, because I was feeling like he was the authority to speak on the matter and to disagree would be dreadfully rude and disrespectful. So here I am, back to square one with no support and the person from church I hoped would be mentoring me hasn’t been in contact either. Hurrah…
So, I have no support and have realised that I am actually in love with two people, which makes things complicated indeed. :L haha hope your life is happy and simpler than mine is currently.
Stay strong, and God bless xoxo