I am not particularly good at expressing myself, I struggle to find the words. At least when I’m writing on here I can take my time to figure how I can say what I want to say. :)
The other day, I wasn’t having a very good time. I had a great day, but then that dull ache set in and my heart felt heavy for apparently no reason :( My boyfriend wanted to Skype me; the day before when I was feeling low we Skyped and he really cheered me up and made me feel much better. ^_^ So I agreed. Unfortunately we had a little tiff because he was frustrated I wasn’t talking, when in fact I just couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words out.
Sometimes he understands, other times as much as he may try, he just doesn’t. I guess there are some things that if you haven’t ever experienced them, you just can’t get it. Anyways, we were Skyping and he got annoyed/frustrated/I don’t know, so he hung up on me. I was understandably upset, so when he tried to call me back, I didn’t pick up for ages. Eventually I did, but I just found it too difficult and I didn’t want him to see me crying, so I hung up. I knew he wasn’t having a good day, but I felt like cr*p and I just wasn’t feeling emotionally strong enough to talk, or deal with him in this mood.
Both of us struggle with things which are, to a certain degree, out of our control. My particular Achilles heel is my sadness and his is his temper. There have been times when I’ve been able to put aside any issues that I have in my head, so that I can be there for him, supportive. And there have been times when he has done the same for me, I’m sure. We both want to be there for the other person when they need us. But this was not one of those days. We were both stuck in our heads, in the prison of our minds and as much as I wanted to be there for him, to help him get through what he was struggling with, I couldn’t.
After I hung up on him, The repeating track of “I need to cut, I need to cut…” was playing over and over in my mind, as I rocked backwards and forwards on my bed trying not to give in. I used my mood app (Moodtrack), writing about how I was “procrastinating the inevitable”. Long story short, I hurt myself.
He thinks I hurt myself because of him, but I’m not so sure. I think I wanted to hurt myself. I scrolled through Tumblr after I hung up for a while, and I actually felt okay again. The problem was that I had already accepted that I was going to hurt myself. I asked him a few days ago when the last time I hurt myself was, but he couldn’t remember exactly, and that frustrated me. I wanted to know exactly how many days it had been, so I could track my progress. Well now I do know: 2 days. I remember thinking to myself during the day, before I hurt myself, “I have blades in my phone case, I should get rid of them.” Did I? No. Why not? I don’t know.
My mind frustrates me sometimes.
Sometimes I wish my brain functioned differently, it can feel like I’m trapped in my unhealthy thinking patterns sometimes. And yet, there are beautiful things which come with it too. Maybe I should write a post about that sometime, too. :)
Hopefully I’ve given you a bit of an insight into how my mind works, showing that even I don’t understand it sometimes and I’m inside it! :L
Much love, God bless xoxox