Lately, I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I don’t fit in anywhere. I don’t belong. And I think that’s just something which comes with being me, and I don’t know how to fix it, or make peace with it.
I want to belong somewhere. I think that comes with the human condition, that we need to belong, feel loved, to be fully known and accepted by other people.
I have written a few posts about being vulnerable: This vulnerability thing and Where are the real people? because we are not islands. People are made to live in community with others, and it’s not true community unless we are open and brutally honest with one another. If only so that they can know when you need a hug, or other help, or perhaps the only thing they can offer is an “I’ve been through that too.”
In Jefferson Bethke’s YouTube video on this topic, he says “Liking someone else’s status that talks about us needing to be open and honest with each other doesn’t count as us being open and honest with each other.”
And he’s right. And yet, this is exactly what I’ve been doing. Simply writing about being honest with those around you, who care for you, is missing the point. I’m afraid, and that’s okay. I care how people will react when they hear what I deal with each day, and what I have dealt with for years, in silence. I said in another post how I don’t want to be another statistic, but the way I keep everything to myself is definitely not the way to go about things if I really do want to get better. Now it feels as though I have left it unsaid for too long that it would be completely unnatural and unnecessary to bring it up now. I mean, I’ve managed to maintain good relationships with many people, of whom only about three have any idea of what I go through. Why should I risk endangering, or complicating these relationships with that other side of me which I keep hidden?
But are they good, these relationships? If I’m only offering part of myself and keeping some hidden, then it’s not even a relationship based on the complete truth, is it. I fear that I will always feel alone if I don’t learn to open up more to people. And it’s not as if it’s a stupid idea to open up to these people, they’ve already decided they like me. They’re unlikely to run away; some of them will hug me and comfort me and tell me I should have told them earlier, but I’m sure some will probably struggle with the information. The main thing I would find the hardest would be the possibility of them treating me differently.
None of my friends suspect a thing; despite wearing long sleeves and covering my legs even on warm days, no one could think anything of it. The only people who would be less surprised would be my housemates. A few times I have behaved in a strange way when hand size has been compared, or when one of my housemates was saying how blue the veins in her wrist were and I did not want to compare mine. The chance of people seeing my scars terrifies me, and that is something I have to live with as long as I am trying to hide that part of me from others.
I am sure that I would experience a great freedom if I opened up to people. The fake friends would fall away and I would be left with the truest friends who care and want to support me. But what if they all fell away…? That is something which makes me very much afraid, the prospect of losing all those who have helped me through tough times (without even realising it). Although, I think that is just my anxiety speaking really, they wouldn’t all run away.
I hope I can garner enough courage and inner strength to open up to my friends, but I fear I never will. We’ll just have to wait and see I guess :P
Stay strong, God bless you xoxox