Today has been a pretty heavy day for me. I have felt so depressed and had so much suicidal ideation rolling around in my sad, lonely, dark mind. I hurt myself, I lied to my boyfriend about it and I just couldn’t tell him I wanted to hang myself from the top of the staircase… :/ It’s just so frustrating when you feel yourself slipping helplessly back to a dark place you had hoped never to visit again. *sigh* :/
Even so, today I found a note to myself that I had written a little over a year ago which genuinely brought tears to my eyes. :’) (How pathetic I am xD)
open 16/02/16 xoxox
This can be a note to self in a year’s time or so. Sara-Kate I hope you find comfort in your scars and see how far you’ve come. I hope you rise in the morning with joy in your heart and a song on your tongue. I pray you go to bed with peace and joy for the future and awake refreshed and not tired. I hope you rediscover self-love and learn to see yourself as beautiful and perfectly, fearfully and wonderfully made. xoxo I pray that you find joy in waking before the rest of the world and that one of your favourite moments of the day would be when you leap out of bed in the morning. May you be balanced and find time for your music, art, physics as well as physical exercise and may you be hungry to dig into and understand the word. I pray you’d realise your need for community and its need for you and also that you’d see how valuable it is to be vulnerable and I pray you’d become a mentor and you’d allow others to see the real Sara-Kate :3 But also that you’d become comfortable with all aspects of your personality and love yourself. Never shut yourself away from the world-it needs to see Christ’s light in your soul. xoxox
Wow, I wrote such kind words to myself… It can really knock your confidence re: recovery when you have rubbishy days, but reading that note just reminds me that 2015 me wanted recovery and wanted me to be doing well. I need to keep going, for the sake of present me, and future me, and also past me, for all the efforts I’ve already put into recovery. If I gave up now it’d be comparable to pushing something up a hill and just before you reach the top you throw in the towel and it falls back down again. It isn’t easy, it probably never will be, you’ve got to be constantly putting in the effort to get better.
Never shut yourself away from the world-it needs to see Christ’s light in your soul
We can do this!
Take care, God bless :) xoxox