Love yourself – XIII

Day 13: ‘problems’ with how my mind works and why they’re actually a good thing

(Sorry it’s late! :))

I’m sure we all have things we don’t like about the way our brains function, ways we think about situations, ourselves, other people. And every time we act according to these apparently ‘wrong’ trains of thought, we kick ourselves, crying out to whoever could be out there, “why am I like this? Why can’t I change the way I think?!” assuming that we’re broken. But maybe the ways we think, the tendencies we have aren’t necessarily bad things. There are good things too, aren’t there, from these things you wish you could change?

Here are some of the ways my mind works that I don’t like. Of course, there are others, but these are easier to think of positives for (although I’m sure the others also have their benefits, it’d just take longer to think of them…)

I overanalyse everything. This means that over time I have honed my skills of perception and observation and I really don’t miss much. I notice the weirdest things, the strangest details which others seem to overlook. Also, it means hopefully I understand other people better? Although there are times when I am utterly convinced that I know what they really mean and have been completely wrong and I can infer things which lead to incorrect conclusions. But sometimes this serves me well xD

I am a perfectionist. It really bothers me so much when something I’ve done, or made, is not ‘perfect’. Because of this I tend to get things done really well. It is a pain, all the extra time and effort I put in, but in the end I have a better finished product. For example, when I sweep the floor, I sweep the floor, if you know what I mean. It’s always so satisfying to get the job done properly and to look at it and feel proud of myself, even if it’s a little thing, like cleaning. I take great satisfaction in cleaning, and doing it well, so we often have a really clean kitchen and sometimes a clean room too. xD Although another aspect of this is my OCD tendencies, which means the cutlery has to be arranged in a particular way in the drawer etc, which also brings me a great deal of satisfaction.

I am coming to terms and starting to make peace with the idea that I will be wrong sometimes, and I just can’t be ‘perfect’ all the time to all people. I’ll just burn out from all the effort that it takes (as I have done before).

I worry. A lot. Although sometimes I am super chill and laid back, I can also get really anxious. This is a side of me that people don’t see much, mainly because I’ll put a brave smiley face on, or I’ll be hidden away in my room, rocking backwards and forwards :’) and worrying. I guess it’s not really a way that this way of thinking is a good thing, but as a result I can see more clearly how God has everything in control. For example, this morning I woke up, my alarms hadn’t gone off as my phone had died, so I had a little, well, a big panic because I thought I’d slept too late and missed my train. Running through my head was alternative plans to get to where I needed to get, by a later train, and also so many thoughts of self-hatred. How I wanted to hurt myself. How I was an idiot for not getting to bed earlier so I’d wake up earlier. I checked the time and it was a little after 9am. How…? Genuinely, I think it only could have been God waking me up then, I was too tired to wake up at that time of entirely natural causes. God has it all in control, He’s holding me in his hands. My worries are always in vain.

I can also panic- work, or get stuff done at the very last minute. I was watching a TED talk the other day about procrastinating, and he mentions ‘the panic monster’. (Have a watch, it’s quite amusing and it’s always nice to know you’re not alone) This is something I’m very well acquainted with to be honest. (Also, if you think about it, watching the video is another way to procrastinate doing the things you need to, but don’t really want to do ;) xD)

So there’s a few of the hmm quirks I guess of how my brain works and how although I may get annoyed at myself, or my brain, actually it’s not all bad. I’m sure if you think about your own brain, you could come up with a few things yourself. :)

Much love, God bless xoxox

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❤Love yourself

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