What if I never recover…?

I want to apologise to whoever reads my posts. Sorry that I haven’t been posting much recently. I have been especially depressed and haven’t had the energy, motivation or ideas for writing any blog posts. Sorry :/

The other day I was doing a bit of washing up for my mum and I had a sudden realisation that perhaps I would never be free of my demons. Maybe I’ll never not be depressed and anxious. And I can’t put my life on hold, or give up entire weeks of my life, or surrender the activities that are just too much effort to keep doing.

My mum doesn’t entirely get this whole mental illness thing, and she’s not alone I know amongst her generation. She does try to understand though, she does research online and tries to engage me in conversation about how I am etc (even though most of the time I really don’t want to talk about stuff). Sometimes she can say things which really don’t help, but other times she can hit the nail on the head. She said the other day that no one feels like doing stuff all the time, but you just have to get on with whatever needs to be done. And I know she’s right, or partly anyway, because although not everyone is necessarily depressed, everyone’s drive and motivation wavers from time to time.

I may never get better. I may never want to get out of bed, or shower, or clean my room etc, but these are things that I need to do. I have to learn to function as a ‘normal’ human being even when I am feeling like sh*t and I want to cry, or sleep the day away and avoid any kind of social interaction, because life is sometimes just too hard.

I returned home from uni about a week ago and since being home I haven’t really done all that much. I’ve been lying around the house most of the time and been doing lots of colouring xD I felt proud of myself for doing that colouring, but my mum pointed out that I needed to do more. That I wasn’t really living if all I challenged myself to do was colouring. And as much as initially that kind of hurt because I thought I was doing well to be colouring when really all I wanted was to sleep, she was right. I need to learn to live, even when everything in my head is telling me to avoid life.

I don’t simply want to survive each depressive episode, I want to live.

I need to learn to get on with stuff when I don’t want to. This summer could really make it or break it for me in terms of my depression and anxiety. I could pass the summer doing basically nothing but colouring, and that’d be pretty easy, or I could make a plan of activities I’ll get on with each day, and that’ll be much harder probably, but if I can learn to discipline myself to get on with things independent of my mood, then I will be able to adapt to real life much more easily when eventually I graduate uni and need that discipline to keep my job.

Again, I’m super sorry for being crap at posting, and I’ll try and be disciplined and post more regularly this summer.

Much love, God bless you xoxox

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