Hitting my head against the wall

Don’t worry I don’t mean literally hitting my head, just figuratively. Life is just so frustrating at the moment. I made a post about so-called “progress” and yes I have made some good changes, but I’ve made some not so good changes and some things feel like they’re never going to change.
I just suck. I suck at so many things, I suck at life tbh. I had such a bad therapy session on Monday and it frustrates me so so much that I can’t talk much. I just clam up, I don’t know how to be open and honest. Recently I’ve had the courage (or maybe stupidity…only time will tell) to open up to a couple of friends about the struggle I go through every. single. f*cking. day. :/
I am okay at small talk and “banter”, and I can talk a lot to someone without them actually knowing me any better after.
Yesterday I had agreed to help with an international students welcome party, but I really didn’t want to go, and even when I was there and chatting to people (although I suck at intimacy with others, I love love love chatting about nothing basically :L) I just wanted to leave. But I put a brave, happy clappy face on and met some new people. I was feeling like crying on the inside, but on the outside I was trying my hardest to keep smiling.
I am so good at faking it to be honest. There are lots of people who I’d call close friends (who probably feel the same about me), but from whom I hide most of my life, and they have no idea of my everyday struggle to appear normal. Honestly I crave normality.
I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and have no mental illness, to be able to have normal relationships and a normal life and a future.
But right now I can’t see how anything is ever going to change. I’m convinced that eventually I’ll kill myself, whether it’s next week or many years down the line. This is a thought I have never shared with anyone, yet I have it nearly everyday. And it’s not okay. ITS NOT OKAY. IM SO FUXKING ANGRY WITH MYSELF!!! WHY CANT I JUST FUFKING FUNCTION AS A NORMAL HUMAN BEING AND THINK NORMALLY WIFB A JORMAL BRAIN AND JUST GET ON WIFH MY LIFE AND NOT HAVE THESE BLOODY ISSUES RUINING MY CHANCE AT HAOPIESS :'( I doubt I’ll ever be free of this. I don believe I’ll ever b happy and that just makes me feel worse tbh
I’m gonna sleep now
Or try to
Literally every night in my dreams I end up killing myself…. idk I think its revealing what’s going on in my subconscious – me wanting to die :'(
Sorry, night night :'(


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