Why is everything so hard?

Sometimes life is almost impossible. It is just so hard to do anything and simply getting through the day is like swimming through custard. 

Recently I’ve tried to start my own YouTube channel. The biggest obstacle to this is my own self misbelief. I have so much self doubt and I am constantly talking down to myself all the time. It’s like a stuck record which I don’t know how to stop. I feel out of control of my thoughts. I don’t understand how my mind functions. I wish I did.

I can’t even put my finger on what is making it so hard to live at the moment. It just is. Perhaps it’s the lack of structure that comes with the summer holidays. Maybe I’ve been smoking and drinking too much. Too much alone time and isolating myself and avoiding certain things probably contributes. Or could it be down to painful things, thoughts and ideas surfacing in therapy? I really don’t know, but either way this is an immensely frustrating period for me right now. 

It’s frustrating because I’m always second guessing myself when I really want to be my own biggest encourager and want to help myself get on in life, but in fact I’m the biggest thing holding me back. I want to do so many things but at the same time I’m so critical of myself. 24/7 I am the voice shouting myself down, saying I’m ugly or stupid or I just wouldn’t be good enough at that, whatever that is. And at the moment that is making YouTube videos.

It makes me so angry at myself sometimes because I don’t want to be like this, but I don’t know how to stop it. Does anyone else know what this is like, or have any tips for me to silence the mean words I tell myself in my head constantly?  

Thanks again for reading, hope you’re doing okay. God bless xoxox 

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