When you don’t feel able

Does anyone else get it in their head that they’d really like to do something but when it comes to it you just can’t? You get stuck in a cycle of self doubt in your head and you feel trapped. You know what you want to do, but then the attacks start. You say mean things to yourself in your head and you don’t have a clue how to silence that unkind voice. It’s always there. Providing you with a constant stream of negativity that you really don’t need. Especially not in your fragile emotional state. You just wish it could stop, but the only way you know how to make it stop would be to end it. To end your life.

This constant harassment in your mind and self-bullying really, just keeps pushing you down again and again and you wonder how much longer you can take it. It’s pushing you to the edge of sanity. Either this voice will keep getting louder and eventually it will take over with depression setting in yet again, or you will learn to master your mind and be in control of your thoughts. The latter seems increasingly unlikely though. What can you do?

Recently, I’ve finally made progress towards something I have wanted to do for quite a long time. Since year 9 I have wanted to have my own YouTube channel, so that’s about 6 years. Wow! That’s a long time to want to do something, but be held back because of my self-doubt. Damn it my mental health has been in poor shape for too long… I just wish I could overcome this obstacle in my mind, but so far the efforts I have made, the therapy sessions I have been to and the times I have googled stuff don’t seem to have helped me one bit. It is so frustrating.

Watching through the bits that I have already filmed I felt wave after wave of self-criticism roll through my mind until I couldn’t watch anymore because I was convinced I wasn’t good enough. I just wish I knew how to overcome this self doubt in my mind and put myself out there. Maybe some day I’ll feel able to start my own YouTube channel, but that day isn’t today.

Anyone else know what this is like?

stay strong and God bless xoxox

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