What have I become?

Recently I’ve received a bit of a wake-up call. I was forced to think really hard about who I am and what I am doing with my life. Am I the kind of person I want to be? In short, no. There are so many ways in which I have changed, particularly over the past year, which I wouldn’t have thought possible before.

I smoke.

I have been promiscuous on nights out.

I drink too much.

I have had premarital sex.

I have strayed so far from God, becoming distant from Him and weak in my faith.

There are probably other ways I have changed, but these are the main ones. And they aren’t positive changes. I never would have pictured myself to be like this. I never wanted to be like this. I justified my drinking and smoking by saying “just one”, then “just a couple, every now and again”… And before you know it you’re ‘a smoker’ and people joke about how you’re an alcoholic and it stabs you in the heart and it hurts.

And people judge you for the way you behave, they tell you that you’ve gone down in their estimation of you. They look down on you for changing to be like that. I looked down on myself too for a while, but eventually I managed to shove down that guilt and ignore it. I became slightly less desensitised. The same thing happened with the smoking and the drinking to be honest, until I barely saw it as a problem until I was throwing up regularly from alcohol, or noticed I couldn’t stop myself from buying another packet of cigarettes.

When I first started dating N, we had a chat about ‘boundaries’. One great thing I carried forward from my past relationship was to take care to avoid situations which would make it easier to get into a compromising scenario. I talked to N about how we should probably not be in a bedroom alone together, and we should try to hang out in public spaces. I knew that N had been in relationships before where he’d had sex with them. I didn’t think it’d be as hard as it was. But it was.

To start off it was all fine, but over time the boundaries broke down. One night I drank a bit too much (and threw up…) at the Christian Union Christmas dinner(of all the events to drink too much at! -_-) N walked me back from the dinner and I basically ended up sleeping at his that night. After that it became a regular thing that we slept in the same bed. And that was fine for a while too. Over time things happened which I wish hadn’t and we became more intimate than people should be before marriage. At first, each time these things happened and we were caught up in the moment, I would end up weeping afterwards because I knew I shouldn’t have done it. But eventually I found myself barely responding, not even thinking there was anything really wrong with it. I become desensitised. My heart was hardening.

I would occasionally think, “we shouldn’t be doing these things, maybe we should try sleeping in separate places”, and one time I tried to express this to N but he violently disagreed. As I’ve said in other blog posts, I struggle with self harm. N was concerned that if we never slept in the same place, then he’d never know how I really was and whether I was hurting myself because I am not the best communicator… So nothing changed.

Anywho, things escalated and continued to get worse. We ended up having sex. Quite a few times. Eventually it all came to a head. We were both away on separate holidays, and he messaged me saying he didn’t think we were headed in the right direction ( i.e. towards God) and that maybe the only thing for it was to break up.

This message was a very loud wake-up call, which caused me to question everything. I really can’t fault what N said, to be honest. He’s right. We have strayed pretty far from the straight and narrow road. Maybe we do need a fresh start. Hopefully we can still have that without breaking up, but we’ll have to wait and see I guess. One things for sure: I don’t like the person I’ve become and some things need to change.

Hope you’ve had a good day :) God bless xoxox

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