After months of trying, I finally manage my first steps! I look up to my mummy. She’s smiling proudly down at me so I grin back. I did good.
I run home from school to show her my artwork.
“Mummy! Mummy! Do you like my dinosaur?” A smile and “it’s lovely” are all I need. I did good.
I hand her my report card, slightly nervous. I did well, but well enough?
“Well done sweetheart. I’m proud of you.” I beam, and feel proud too. I did good.
“Do I look okay?”
“You always look beautiful dear. That skirt is a little short though. And you know you don’t need so much make-up.” Hmm, I didn’t do so good.
“Oh yeah, mum I got a couple of piercings”
“Hmm.. really, why do you need to put so many holes in your perfectly good body?”
(A while later)
“…I suppose it does look alright, but no more okay?! And definitely no tattoos!”(even though we have the same number of piercings and I am in love with tattoos.)
Fast forward to now, I’m lying in bed, unable to sleep. And I’m thinking. I’m thinking about my plans to alter my appearance and I’m scared. I’m not even slightly phased by what other people will think or say. There’s only one person’s reaction I’m concerned about. My mum’s.
Will she hate it? Perhaps, but I really really really want to make these changes.
Should I be thinking like this at 20 years old? Should my mum control so much about me, even my appearance? I am an adult after all.
I’ve had a decent upbringing and my parents are kind and good. But lately I’ve been thinking that my mum (especially) and my dad are actually holding me back from becoming the person I would like to be. Who is that person? I’m not really sure to be honest because I haven’t had the opportunity to find out.
Right now it feels impossible to be an adult around my parents and at home. Somehow I always revert to being a 12 year old when I go back. I hope that with time I’ll learn to be okay with myself and not worry so much about what my mum thinks.
We are different people. What pleases one person might not please another.
Take care xoxox