Back to uni once again…

So here we are, at the start of yet another year of university. I’ve decorated my room (we shall see how long it remains tidy aha), I’ve moved all my stuff in, and so far have managed to not throw up from the anxiety induced from returning to uni.

I don’t know how I feel about coming back here. On one hand I’ve not been having the greatest time at home, and have been looking forward to being freer at uni, but I’m also extremely anxious about the start of a new term and all the stresses that brings with it. I was excited before about my modules, but my motivation and interest in them has certainly waned considerably recently, as is the case with depression….fun.

I return to university a much changed woman. I am still battling with the same demons as I was before, but I’ve escaped from an abusive relationship, I’ve struggled against the control of my parents throughout the summer, and managed to still do the things I’ve wanted to do despite their beliefs that they can dictate everything I can and can’t do. And I also look different.

I have had a summer full of ups and downs. I’ve been along to therapy pretty much every week, been fighting with doubts about God and my existence, and I’ve relapsed with regards to self-harm…oops :/ It’s been a summer of meeting new people and I’ve made a new best friend in such a short amount of time it’s surprising. We have a lot in common, including our weirdness, senses of humour and questionable states of mental health. I’ve struggled to cope with life, trying my hardest to stop smoking and drinking, and failing miserably, usually leaning over a toilet bowl.

But I’ve made it back to here again. Back to learn some more shit about the universe, see friends who I’ve missed and struggled (despite my best efforts) to stay in contact with over the holidays. I’ve returned to this place despite how the darkness has tried to extinguish the light I still have within me. There have been some very dark moments over the summer, when all I wanted was to die. To not exist. But I’ve survived that. Despite what life has thrown at me so far, I still have a 100% track record of survival.

I’ll be trying to post often on here, but I can’t make any promises. I mean, I haven’t had the workload of uni over the summer, and yet I have still really struggled to post regularly, but I shall try.

Take care, stay strong xoxox

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