What I’d say to you

Hi N,

If you weren’t being so strange and wanted to distance yourself so much from me, I’d love to say a few things to you. I get that everyone deals with changes in their lives in different ways, and clearly yours is to become aloof and emotionally disconnect from the situation, and if that works for you then fair enough. But I can’t do that. As much as I want to sever my connection to you when I’m crying my eyes out sat in the middle of the street on a Friday night and embarrassing my friends, I just can’t do that.

This has not ended at all as well as I’d have wished. I get your point that you think we need space to move on with our lives, in whatever direction, but I just can’t move on until I have the closure I need. I need to talk to you, to get some thoughts out in the open. Currently I have a lot of mixed feelings towards you: love, hope, confusion, sadness. I never wanted things to turn out how they did, but maybe that’s just because of how I am.

I honestly don’t understand exactly why you felt we needed to end it. I wish I did. I’m blaming myself a lot of the time. Thinking that I wasn’t good enough for you, that it’s because of the emotional difficulties I go through and the strain that put on you, that maybe I was just too much for you. I seem to be too much for most people to deal with. I get that. I’m so used to blaming myself for everything, it’s a real struggle to come to terms with the possibility that it wasn’t necessarily my fault. Clearly I can’t excuse myself completely, yet I have a nagging doubt that I wasn’t the root of the problem. Maybe I’m wrong.

We shouldn’t have done some of the things we did; we were too intimate at times. A passionate (or maybe just lustful), but short-lived thing that was always destined to crumble.

I wrote you a letter thanking you for the 9 months we had together, but maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say. Perhaps it wasn’t actually so great. I don’t want to say things that could hurt you. I don’t want to upset you and make you feel as crap as I have been feeling recently. People have told me that you weren’t as nice to me as I deserved, maybe they’re right. Maybe not. All I know is you’re the first person to say they loved me, but hurt me deliberately. I understand that when we’re angry we don’t think entirely straight and logically. Perhaps if you didn’t struggle with your temper so much, you wouldn’t have hit me. You wouldn’t have said the things you did. You are the person who I trusted and listened to the most, yet you also made me cry the most. You drove me too close to the edge too many times, and for that I’m glad to say good bye.

I’m not going to pretend that loving me and dating me is a walk in the park. It’s a hellish roller coaster which you were brave enough to climb aboard. I can get paranoid, I can want to isolate myself from everyone and not want to see you for days, I may break down suddenly and unexpectedly at the most seemingly insignificant things. I may infuriate and frustrate you with how I treat myself. But I will love you.

If I decide to love you, I am 100% dedicated to you and you will become my world. Don’t break my heart, don’t hurt me. Treat me like a princess, and even if you don’t I’ll still treat you like a king. I don’t do things half-heartedly, if I love you, I love you with everything. That’s my problem: I love too much. And if that love isn’t reciprocated I will take it personally, I can’t hate anyone but myself apparently. This makes it impossible for arguments, but it also means it is very difficult to be with me.

I loved you with my everything. I always will, even if you treated me like sh*t sometimes, I still want you to be okay and for the desires of your heart to be fulfilled.

I just want you to be happy.

Even if that means me never speaking to you again, even if that means that I am desperately unhappy. I still care for you, and I’m praying for you.

That’s all I want to say, even if you don’t want to hear it. Sorry for all I did wrong, and still do wrong, for everything I’ve ever done or ever will do that could possibly hurt you, or cause you grief.

Sara-Kate xx

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