I lost it.

Hey again, I haven’t written anything for quite a while…sorry for anyone who noticed (haha probably no one xD) I hope as you’re reading this, that you’re doing well. :) I have been doing…questionably recently. Aha :P I am not really a functioning human haha I struggle to get on with things I really need to do, like showering, tidying my room, going food shopping and getting to lectures… the list goes on aha. I can’t do this adulting thing.

I try, I really do. It just hasn’t been the easiest of periods of times. In addition to this struggle I’ve also found myself a much different person to who I was not even that long ago. I wanted to write a short(ish) post about these changes.

I started off this academic year as a mess… not much has changed haha xD In the first few weeks of this term, I got black-out drunk 2-3 times each week…oops (And my mum thinks I drink a little too much!) I have become better more recently. I haven’t blacked out for whole afternoons/evenings and I haven’t thrown up because of alcohol either :) #smallvictories ;) I guess you have to celebrate the small things, especially if you’re in a place where you barely feel in control and if you’re honest with yourself you’re a bit of a mess.

Before the summer I had only slept with one person. Over the summer I saw my now-ex-boyfriend each week and we started to have sex…although we had been trying to hold back (even if we’d been tending towards premarital sex from the start), but eventually the temptation was just too much for us. We’ve now been broken up for a couple of months and since returning to uni recently single, I’ve behaved in an overly sexual way and have really enjoyed this new sense of freedom. I am not going to say that I feel any regret for living more promiscuously and having sex with whomever I’ve wanted to. I’ve had sex with about 8 different people over the past month or so and I’ve enjoyed it.

Over the summer, and at the start of this term I have struggled enormously with a huge internal struggle. I’ve felt like I should behave in a certain way because of what’s expected of me by friends or family, but have wanted to act differently. I have since given up my faith and haven’t looked back because I’ve finally felt free for the first time in my life to do as I wish and not worry about whether it will make me go to hell. I no longer believe in an old man in the sky. There is no god.

So there it is, I am now liberated and a heathen but who cares! :L I’m free and there’s no longer an internal battle and the overwhelming feelings of guilt are gone! :)

Hope you’re doing okay, love and hugs xoxox

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