Recently I celebrated my 21st birthday. Twenty one. That grand old age when every one says you have to have your shit together, with a ten year plan and your life all in order etc etc etc…
That is not the case for me. I’m sure from certain angles and in the right light, someone could assume that I have my shit together. However, in reality I’m pretty far from the ideal situation which I would like to be in.
On the day of my birthday, I woke up feeling as tired of life as I did the night before, no different to when I was 20. I went to the pub for lunch with my close family and my grandparents, which was all very lovely, although I felt slightly disconnected to what was going on around me. (The food was great though!) In the evening, I went around some of the pubs/bars in my hometown with the only friend who was actually home for the holidays at that point. It was lovely to catch up with her and I enjoy drinking too! (I even got a free drink from one of the bartenders! xD)
It was all fun up to a point. After we’d had a few drinks, we emptied the bottle of rum into the lemonade and drank from the bottle…it all went downhill from there. To cut the story short, I ended up getting alcohol poisoning, with my friend and her mum close to calling my mum to come get me (she thinks I’m sensible with alcohol…) or calling an ambulance. I’ll be honest, it was the worst I’ve ever been: shaking and vomiting, passing in and out of consciousness on someone else’s bathroom floor…not my finest moment.
I have since apologised to my friend and her family. I don’t know if I’ll be allowed over ever again. I had a very sober (literally!!) conversation with my friend in the morning, where she expressed her concern for my well-being. She told me I need to find better ways to deal with my struggles and told me how great she thought I was and that I could do this, I could get better.
I know I can get better, but I need to want to first. Before I started drinking I actually said to my friend, “I haven’t drunk so much that I’ve vomited in ages. I want to tonight!” My self-destructive tendencies will inevitably end badly for me if I don’t pull myself together and try to get my life sorted. My friend and her mum amongst other people have told me I need to get more help, which should probably be a new year’s resolution or something…
Anyway, I just needed to write something to get this off my chest. I am 21 and still a mess. And that’s alright so long as I shift my perspective and try to fix myself, bit by bit.
Love to you and hope you had a lovely Christmas day! :)xoxox