(I wrote this post in June, but I thought I’d post it anyway. It was interesting to read it and to see how far I’ve moved forwards, and changed since I wrote this…)
What a weekend!
Okay, so it’s Wednesday now, and I have just had the most wonderful weekend ever. Or the best one in a while anyway xD I went up to Winchester to visit my lovely friend E who is such a bae and so much fun to hang out with. We went on adventures, had some good chats and made much food together. It was awesome!
Also, somehow even though I didn’t say anything directly, she could tell that something was the matter with me and she must have asked me about 4 or 5 times “what’s wrong Sara-Kate? What’s making you upset?” so that was weird… I think I’m much better than I actually am at hiding if something is the matter. It also makes me wonder, have other people in the past noticed something was up with me but never said anything, maybe because they didn’t care enough…?
Also, yesterday with my therapist we were chatting about how I am basically two different people. I am a bubbly, friendly, crazy extrovert, but I am also a depressed and anxious person who likes to hide away. Most of the time I am the first person because I figure that’s the person people prefer and I prefer it and I like myself more when I am that person. People just don’t need the burden of worrying about whether or not I hurt myself last night or even if I’m waking up that day. People don’t need that. And besides that, I just don’t want people to think I’m weak, when in reality we’re all weak sometimes. We all struggle and we all have mental health that we need to give attention to. It’s just the truth.
And my truth is that sometimes I get sad, sometimes I get anxious and sometimes I’ll hurt myself in response to painful emotions and hating myself. And that’s okay. I mean, it’s not ideal I guess, but it’s my reality at the moment and I need other people to support me through this. I should not let my pride get in the way. If a friend of mine was going through a similar ordeal every day, then I would like them to tell me so that I could be there for them.
In the end, I decided not to tell my friend E what was really wrong. Although I didn’t explicitly express that something was wrong, I guess she could tell from some of my behaviour. I drink a lot of alcohol and regularly, and I’ve started smoking. I may also have joked about letting cars hit me…but honestly that was a genuine joke! (Maybe not the funniest, but still I don’t think I was being serious).
It was a pretty stressful weekend I guess though, with all the travelling. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Something that I find can really relieve anxiety is being surrounded by nature. So we went on a lovely walk to St Catherine’s Hill, where we had a picnic and then we wandered along the river into town. The weather was perfect!! ^_^
I just had such a wonderful weekend. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that all of life isn’t sad and bad news, there is joy and happiness to be experienced, things to do and lovely friends and family to spend time with.
Stay strong, God bless xoxox