Can I be unborn, please?

So as I’ve mentioned before, I’m studying Physics at university. I am nearing the end of my third and penultimate year and let me tell you it’s a real struggle. It’d be hard enough studying Physics without having to also contend with mental health issues. What was I thinking, applying to study it?!

Actually, I have a confession to make. I only studied Physics at A-level because there was a boy I liked who was taking it… It’s pretty funny how life turns out, isn’t it? I mean, I almost took Fine Art instead of Physics at A-level and now I’m studying the latter at university. I can’t imagine how different life would be for me now if I’d made different choices before…

I wish I could go back to primary school/start of secondary school when I was top of the class. I was so much happier back then, much healthier mentally…

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Now I am left barely getting by, generally, academically and mentally. It’s a struggle to get out of bed, and I have so much more to worry about now compared to when I was 12.

But we soldier on. I may be petrified thinking about my future, about debt and how much money I have, I may be depressed and anxious, but I will soldier on, taking it one day at a time.

It’s not all bad, I have so much more freedom now and I definitely know myself much better now than I used to, but I’ve also been through a whole load of shit and lost friends, time and opportunities that I can never get back.

I just have to focus on the present, and on the positives and just get through life one day at a time.

Climbing out of the ditch

Recently I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut. I’ve not been coping with life well; it’s a real struggle to get out of bed and get basic tasks completed, like washing, cooking, showering. To some people these tasks seem very easy, but not to me, at least not lately. Some days haven’t been so bad. Take today, for example, I got out of the house and attempted working on campus and then I had my first CBT appointment, and I even managed to make myself go and do a food shop!! (My cupboard has been too bare for weeks!)

But one good day doesn’t mean that I’m out of the rut. I want to try and stay positive and hopeful that I’m about to have a good couple of weeks, but I’m not promised that by anyone. This last rough patch has lasted over a month, and half way into it I thought I was getting better again, I thought I was coming out of that depressive episode, but then it didn’t end. But I’m still here, still fighting. That’s all I can do. I can’t wait for the cloud to pass, for the rain to stop. I’ve just got to get my coat and wellies and struggle through the torrential rain to get on with my life. Although I haven’t done a great job at that lately…I’ve spent a lot of time in bed, missed so many lectures, not been on top of my hygiene or eating healthy and doing exercise.

It can be frustrating to see my friends the same age as me doing so well at this thing called ‘life’. They manage to see friends regularly, get to their lectures and seminars and just generally stay on top of their work as well as whatever things they ‘have’ to do. I just need to keep reminding myself that progress in life is not linear and they are completely different people with their own stories, and their own difficulties and problems. You don’t see everything. You can only see what people show you, whether that be on Facebook or in real life. It is a waste of time to compare how far you’ve come with where other people are in life, just focus on doing the best you can, and be a lovely, kind person.

Don’t worry about where you are in the ‘rat race’ just try your best.

At the end of the day you can do no more than that.

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My first gig!!

If you saw me in person, you’d probably be pretty surprised that I only went to my first gig last night. I have quite an ‘alternative’ appearance and I do really enjoy music and dancing and generally maintaining quite a high level of energy in my life. I can’t say why I haven’t been to more gigs, or festivals for that matter, I guess it’s just because I haven’t had many close friends who’ve been interested in going and seeing live music.

Anyway, so I went to my first gig and I had such an awesome time; I just wanted to write a little about my experience, especially seeing as it was my first time.

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Why do I let others define me?

In so many ways I let other people define, influence, mould me. Why? Why do I let them have that kind of power over me?

Why do I allow fear of people to stop me from doing what I really want to do, just because I’m afraid of how they’ll react. If you’re pretending to be someone different to who you really are to keep people around, they don’t even like you, they haven’t met you! Be yourself unapologetically and they’ll love you for who you really are. (And if they don’t then good riddance to them!) Continue reading

Still a mess.

Recently I celebrated my 21st birthday. Twenty one. That grand old age when every one says you have to have your shit together, with a ten year plan and your life all in order etc etc etc…

That is not the case for me. I’m sure from certain angles and in the right light, someone could assume that I have my shit together. However, in reality I’m pretty far from the ideal situation which I would like to be in.

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My life…

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Back to uni once again…

So here we are, at the start of yet another year of university. I’ve decorated my room (we shall see how long it remains tidy aha), I’ve moved all my stuff in, and so far have managed to not throw up from the anxiety induced from returning to uni.

I don’t know how I feel about coming back here. On one hand I’ve not been having the greatest time at home, and have been looking forward to being freer at uni, but I’m also extremely anxious about the start of a new term and all the stresses that brings with it. Continue reading