Why life is best in the middle?

I’m a middle child. You can find so many articles on why it’s good or bad according to certain people, or how your birth order affects your personality.

Apparently firstborns are meant to be more achievement-oriented and competitive, whilst the youngest child is supposedly more attention-seeking, and creative, leaving the middle child literally in the middle, often as the family peace-keeper. To be honest, a lot of people can be sceptical about this, but it’s certainly true in my family. (somewhat anyway!)

It’s true it’s not always great being in the middle, some of my emotional issues probably stem from not having quite as much attention from my parents growing up. Note to reader: if you want to have enough time for all your kids, don’t have 5!!

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Some of you may look down on hand-me-downs, but I thought it was great, I got all my sister’s cool clothes for free! Also, arguably parents are most harsh with the middle child, as the first child is kind of a parenting experimenting cos they don’t know what they’re doing and then by the time the youngest one comes along, the rules which they’ve come up with have been slightly worn down from child to child and they could basically get away with murder… But then again, if they don’t give me enough attention, how would they realise that I’m breaking all their rules anyway ;) I’ve also heard some people say they didn’t feel as important as their older sibling as they were they first person to learn to walk and talk, go to school, and uni, and to get married etc etc etc, whilst their younger sibling was the last person to be doing those special things, so they didn’t feel as important, or special when they were at those stages of their life.

You hope that parents will learn to not show favouritism, although the truth is all parents have their favourites and no matter how hard they try to be impartial, their preferences always show through. (Credit where it’s due though, my parents have always been pretty good at not showing favouritism)

The first benefit of being the middle child is my independence. I sure as hell wouldn’t be as able as I am if I weren’t the middle one. There have been struggles I’ve not felt able to chat to my parents about, and I have managed to get through it basically on my own, which wasn’t easy, but the struggle of trying to survive by myself meant that I gained the valuable skills to help me through other issues in life! I’m so much happier in myself because I made the decision myself to put in the effort and the hard work, rather than being pushed to by my parents.

Being in the middle, means always having someone looking up to you, but also having someone I can also look up to and go to for advice which isn’t my mum or dad (sometimes you just don’t want to tell them certain things). This is pretty nice because it brings a sense of responsibility without the fear of ruining someone’s life.

I used to get blamed for things sometimes by my siblings, which sucked, but it also forced me to stand up for myself and also helped me grow a thick skin, so I can better deal with criticism or people thinking wrongly about me (although I still care too much what other people think!)

I am not the most competitive of people, you’d think me a pretty chilled out person if you met me, but when I care, I care. Once that competitiveness is switched on, I am going to win, even if it ends in broken limbs.

All in all it doesn’t count for shit if you’re the oldest, or youngest or in between, all that matters is who you want to be and what you decide you want to aim for in life. Nothing is certain, definitely not from birth.

Any thoughts on this? Let me know down in the comments :) xxx

Can I be unborn, please?

So as I’ve mentioned before, I’m studying Physics at university. I am nearing the end of my third and penultimate year and let me tell you it’s a real struggle. It’d be hard enough studying Physics without having to also contend with mental health issues. What was I thinking, applying to study it?!

Actually, I have a confession to make. I only studied Physics at A-level because there was a boy I liked who was taking it… It’s pretty funny how life turns out, isn’t it? I mean, I almost took Fine Art instead of Physics at A-level and now I’m studying the latter at university. I can’t imagine how different life would be for me now if I’d made different choices before…

I wish I could go back to primary school/start of secondary school when I was top of the class. I was so much happier back then, much healthier mentally…

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Now I am left barely getting by, generally, academically and mentally. It’s a struggle to get out of bed, and I have so much more to worry about now compared to when I was 12.

But we soldier on. I may be petrified thinking about my future, about debt and how much money I have, I may be depressed and anxious, but I will soldier on, taking it one day at a time.

It’s not all bad, I have so much more freedom now and I definitely know myself much better now than I used to, but I’ve also been through a whole load of shit and lost friends, time and opportunities that I can never get back.

I just have to focus on the present, and on the positives and just get through life one day at a time.

Climbing out of the ditch

Recently I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut. I’ve not been coping with life well; it’s a real struggle to get out of bed and get basic tasks completed, like washing, cooking, showering. To some people these tasks seem very easy, but not to me, at least not lately. Some days haven’t been so bad. Take today, for example, I got out of the house and attempted working on campus and then I had my first CBT appointment, and I even managed to make myself go and do a food shop!! (My cupboard has been too bare for weeks!)

But one good day doesn’t mean that I’m out of the rut. I want to try and stay positive and hopeful that I’m about to have a good couple of weeks, but I’m not promised that by anyone. This last rough patch has lasted over a month, and half way into it I thought I was getting better again, I thought I was coming out of that depressive episode, but then it didn’t end. But I’m still here, still fighting. That’s all I can do. I can’t wait for the cloud to pass, for the rain to stop. I’ve just got to get my coat and wellies and struggle through the torrential rain to get on with my life. Although I haven’t done a great job at that lately…I’ve spent a lot of time in bed, missed so many lectures, not been on top of my hygiene or eating healthy and doing exercise.

It can be frustrating to see my friends the same age as me doing so well at this thing called ‘life’. They manage to see friends regularly, get to their lectures and seminars and just generally stay on top of their work as well as whatever things they ‘have’ to do. I just need to keep reminding myself that progress in life is not linear and they are completely different people with their own stories, and their own difficulties and problems. You don’t see everything. You can only see what people show you, whether that be on Facebook or in real life. It is a waste of time to compare how far you’ve come with where other people are in life, just focus on doing the best you can, and be a lovely, kind person.

Don’t worry about where you are in the ‘rat race’ just try your best.

At the end of the day you can do no more than that.

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My first gig!!

If you saw me in person, you’d probably be pretty surprised that I only went to my first gig last night. I have quite an ‘alternative’ appearance and I do really enjoy music and dancing and generally maintaining quite a high level of energy in my life. I can’t say why I haven’t been to more gigs, or festivals for that matter, I guess it’s just because I haven’t had many close friends who’ve been interested in going and seeing live music.

Anyway, so I went to my first gig and I had such an awesome time; I just wanted to write a little about my experience, especially seeing as it was my first time.

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Why do I let others define me?

In so many ways I let other people define, influence, mould me. Why? Why do I let them have that kind of power over me?

Why do I allow fear of people to stop me from doing what I really want to do, just because I’m afraid of how they’ll react. If you’re pretending to be someone different to who you really are to keep people around, they don’t even like you, they haven’t met you! Be yourself unapologetically and they’ll love you for who you really are. (And if they don’t then good riddance to them!) Continue reading

Still a mess.

Recently I celebrated my 21st birthday. Twenty one. That grand old age when every one says you have to have your shit together, with a ten year plan and your life all in order etc etc etc…

That is not the case for me. I’m sure from certain angles and in the right light, someone could assume that I have my shit together. However, in reality I’m pretty far from the ideal situation which I would like to be in.

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My life…

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