Can I be unborn, please?

So as I’ve mentioned before, I’m studying Physics at university. I am nearing the end of my third and penultimate year and let me tell you it’s a real struggle. It’d be hard enough studying Physics without having to also contend with mental health issues. What was I thinking, applying to study it?!

Actually, I have a confession to make. I only studied Physics at A-level because there was a boy I liked who was taking it… It’s pretty funny how life turns out, isn’t it? I mean, I almost took Fine Art instead of Physics at A-level and now I’m studying the latter at university. I can’t imagine how different life would be for me now if I’d made different choices before…

I wish I could go back to primary school/start of secondary school when I was top of the class. I was so much happier back then, much healthier mentally…

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Now I am left barely getting by, generally, academically and mentally. It’s a struggle to get out of bed, and I have so much more to worry about now compared to when I was 12.

But we soldier on. I may be petrified thinking about my future, about debt and how much money I have, I may be depressed and anxious, but I will soldier on, taking it one day at a time.

It’s not all bad, I have so much more freedom now and I definitely know myself much better now than I used to, but I’ve also been through a whole load of shit and lost friends, time and opportunities that I can never get back.

I just have to focus on the present, and on the positives and just get through life one day at a time.

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You are so strong.

You are so strong! Look at you now, reading this. Who cares if you’re reading it from beneath your duvet after a day of not being able to get out of bed, it doesn’t matter if you’ve given in today and hurt yourself, or gone along with things because of peer pressure, or maybe you weren’t able to get through the day without smoking or drinking or maybe you’re not doing so well with your diet. Perhaps you’re feeling really weighed down with the stress of your work or studies, maybe you’re going through a rough patch with your family or significant other. That’s not great, but you know, it’s okay to not be on top of the world right now. We all make mistakes, we are not perfect and you can’t expect yourself to be. That’s not fair. You wouldn’t expect it of anyone else, so don’t be so mean to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself.

You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! ~ Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator.

If you only knew the way that your friends, your loved ones looked at you when you’re doing something you enjoy and you don’t think anyone is watching. The way they admire you, they laugh with you. How much more they’d admire you if they knew how strong you really are. The bravery, the courage it takes to get through the day.

You should give yourself credit where it’s due, and it is due. You may think you’re doing a terrible job at life and feel like you’re barely getting by. I feel you. I know what it’s like to be so tired of trying to ‘just get through the week’ every. single. week. It’s exhausting isn’t it?

You just want to give up some days because you don’t see what the point of trying is when you’re not actually getting anywhere, making any progress. You are making progress though. You are growing as a person, learning from your mistakes. We all pick up bad habits, adopt unhealthy thought patterns. But that’s just how we cope with life at that time. You are learning about yourself and the ways that you can survive, they may not all be healthy ways, but over time you will learn better ways. Even if it feels like it’s taking forever. You will learn to pick up that phone and talk to someone instead of drinking alcohol to numb the painful feelings; you will learn to talk about how you feel, and put your thoughts into words. Eventually you won’t even think about hurting yourself when you feel like shit, you’ll pick up a pen and write your feelings down on paper instead of picking up that blade and writing them on your skin. You’ll learn to notice your triggers, you’ll realise that it’s so much better to surround yourself with people than to isolate yourself and hide away in your room. It will take time, but if you are dedicated to it you will see results. You will get better. You may be in this rut in your life for a short period of time, you may recover and never fall again, but most likely you will stumble along the way. Each time though you’ll learn something new and you’ll be able to jump up again, fighting stance, ready to give it another shot.

You can’t fight everyday though, it gets tiring. Some people have more stamina, it seems like nothing can get them down, they’re always moving forwards, but try not to compare your journey to theirs. You can only see a snapshot of their life and you have no idea what has brought them to that moment in their life. And they don’t know what you’ve been through.

You are so strong, you’ve survived all that’s been thrown at you so far and although some days you need to stay in bed the whole day, you will be okay. You are so brave and I’m proud of you.

P.S. You have an 100% rate of survival so far!! Keep it up! A** 😘

bad days

Be brave.

TW: self-harm

Sometimes you have to be brave, even when you don’t want to. Even when you don’t feel brave.

Sometimes bravery is just getting out of bed, when you really want to just stay there and you don’t see the point in getting up because what’s the point in anything? Perhaps bravery is refusing to take that blade to your skin, instead you argue with yourself and tell yourself why you don’t need it, how it won’t really help you to feel any better. And then you leave your room because the urge to cut is too strong, you light up a cigarette outside, hoping that the fresh air will wake you up from Continue reading

The darkest night

TW: Suicide

 

On the 26th October 2014 I tried to end it, to kill myself. I took a shit tonne of paracetamol and Ibuprofen and cut my arms up real bad. Then I went to sleep, hoping to never wake up again.

I awoke to banging on the door, somehow the University security staff had been informed! How? I’d told my friend what was going on the night before, she must have ratted me in! She’s always been the one who’s told people stuff, even though I haven’t wanted her to, why does she always do that? I know really that it’s because she cares for me and doesn’t want to lose me, but I can’t accept that, not yet anyway, maybe not ever. I stumble out of bed to open the door before they unlock it from the outside.

“Yes?”

“Are you Sara-Kate? … Are you alright? We’ve been told..”

Anyway, I showed them a list of what I’d taken the night before.

“We need to take you to hospital”

“No! I can’t go to hospital, I’ve got a date with someone in an hour!”

It’s ridiculous really that at that moment when my life was on the line I was still thinking about pleasing people and making sure I didn’t let anyone down. Anyway, half an hour later and I was in the  hospital waiting room, waiting to see the triage nurse.

My parents turned up for the most awkward meeting on my part. They were crying and happy to see I was still alive. I had a few blood tests and got my arms patched up before I was assigned a bed and had the antidote going into my bloodstream. I had to stay the night in the end which wasn’t the most enjoyable experience, it was pretty lonely, and yet I’ve often wanted to be back there. I like the smell of hospitals and I think it was also the whole being looked after thing that I appreciated too.

Right now, I feel pretty shit. Like I might attempt something, but I should be fine. It should pass.

Anyway, that’s what happened on my closest brush with death, my worst attempt. xoxox